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The LHC and politics
The LHC and politics was the fifth episode of the YoGPoD, released on 13th March 2009. It was created and produced by Simon and Lewis, also featuring Yohi, Hannah, Pierson and Mulchie. This episode was described by Lewis and Yohi as being a "special edition where all the bits that weren’t good enough to go into the YoGPoD are condensed down into a big lump and smoked". Included in this episode is a conversation between a Pakistani Frenchman and the Large Hadron Collider's Indian tech support team. Official Description "A pakistani Frenchmen calls tech support at the LHC because it's broken." Transcript ---- Music starts playing Intro: Hello, and welcome to YOGSCAST. Lewis: Alright, Yohi, you there? Yohi: Yeah. Lewis: I’m making a YoGPoD of all the outtakes that we haven’t used. Music fades out Yohi: What’s an outtake? Lewis: An out-take. Yohi: Yes. Lewis: It’s like... Lewis chuckles Lewis: It’s, it's, it's like something that wasn’t good enough to go in the real... YoGPoD. Yohi: Ahh, yeah, yeah yeah. The left-out stuff, basically. Lewis: I wanted you to do like a, um... an introduction. Yohi: Oh, like Mearis always does in the movies. Lewis: Yeah. Yohi: So that's something like: Hello, welcome to YogspOD. To yogsPOD. Lewis: You alright? You sound a bit stoned. Yohi: No I’m uh, I have something in my... I have something with my lungs. The bottom of my lungs are like diseased with some sort of infection 'coz of the... cold weather and shit. Lewis: Right... Yohi: But I’m just too, uh, making myself clear, so I might as well like fade while I speak. Welcome to the Yogscast. Welcome to the Yogscast! What do you enjoy more, Xephos? Welcome to the Yogscast! This is the uh, the YoGSPoD. Welcome to YoGSPoD. This is the finest quality homegrown grass. This will be the edition where we’re showing you guys what we never showed you. Yohi laughs Lewis laughs Yohi: But we’re not showing anything. How do you say that like, showing but then for like, music, in English? Like I’m letting you hear something? No, but that's... doesn’t make sense. Lewis: You basically wanted to say, Yohi: Welcome to the YoGPoD, this is the special edition where all the bits that weren’t good enough to go into the YoGPoD are condensed down into a big lump and smoked.” Yohi: ...Yes. Welcome to special YoGPoD. Lewis laughs Yohi: The left-out YoGPoD. Welcome to the left-out YoGPoD Liner: '''Simon' (old man voice):' Eeeehnngh! You're listening! To the YoGPoD! '''Lewis: Do-do-do-do-dododo-dodo, do-do-do-dodoo. Aw shit, now I’m singing the fuckin’ Pokémon music. Simon: Charlizard, I choose you!! Simon (high-pitched voice):''' Charlizard! '''Lewis: Char-lizard?! Simon (high-pitched voice):''' Charlizard! '''Lewis: It’s Charizard, not Charlizard! Simon (high-pitched voice):''' Charlizard! '''Simon: That’s what he says, that’s me doing Charlizard. Simon (high-pitched voice):''' Charlizard! '''Lewis: It’s not Charlizard! Simon (high-pitched voice):''' Charlizard! '''Lewis: There’s no L! Simon: Because, all the Pokémon say their own names, so he’s going: Simon (high-pitched voice):''' Charlizard! Charlizard! '''Lewis: There’s no L. Can you hear me, can you hear me? Simon makes a burp/roar sound Simon (high-pitched voice):' Charlizard! ''Simon makes another burp/roar sound '''Hannah: There’s no lizard! Lewis: Hello. Is my mic working, is my mic on? Simon: Whatever, who cares. Simon (high-pitched voice):' Charlizard! ''Simon makes another burp/roar sound '''Simon: That’s how he f... he like fires the fire, he belches. Simon makes another burp/roar sound Lewis: Lovely. Hannah: But then he sounds like he’s tiny, but he’s a giant dragon! Simon (low-pitched voice):' CHARLIZARD. ''Lewis scoffs and laughs Simon laughs Transition music '''Lewis: Wow, LHC delays give the Tevatron a shot at getting the, um, Higgs Boson. Simon: What? Lewis: The LHC is, like, fucked until at least September. Of next year. Simon: Isn’t some celebrity going to open it, or start it or something like Tom Hanks or something stupid? Lewis: I love this. Lewis laughs Lewis: I love this. The post starts off like, you know, and then the first reply they say is “Great. Now we have two doomsday generators that are almost functional.” Simon: I think that is actually the uh, the official term for the LHC. THE DOOMSDAY GENERATOOOORRR. Lewis scoffs and laughs Simon: And it is, it is Tom Hanks who’s turning it on again. Lewis: Shut up! What do you mean?! Simon: Yeah, Tom Hanks is turning it on so they get some publicity. And hopefully someone will fund it. Lewis: Tom Hanks is turning the doomsday generator on! What is this, like some fucking superhero film? Is like Christian Bale going to come out and like, start shouting at people. “Don’t fucking break my LHC! Amateurs!” Simon: I mean, it... it’s quite typical, isn’t it. I mean, do you... do you think the uh, the people in charge of the Large Hadron Collider, when it broke, called up tech support in India. And they were advised to turn it off and back on again. Lewis: Yeah, w- Simon: And that’s exactly what they’re doing. Lewis: Yeah. You be the tech support, and I’ll ring up from the LHC. Simon: Oh no, I’ve gotta do a racist accent again! Lewis: No you haven’t, just use an Indian! Simon: Okay. Okay. Lewis: Okay, I’m a French person, in charge of the LHC. Lewis (French accent):''' Uhh, hang on, let me rring tech suppot. '''Simon: You’re Pakistani Frenchman. Lewis chuckles Simon (French accent):' 'ello, I am just going to ring zee tech support. My LHC it's broken down. ''Lewis laughs '''Simon (French accent):''' 'el-‘ello? Who is zat, who is zat please? '''Lewis: Hang on, hang on, hang on. That’s not Indian. Simon: No, I’m being the, the Frenchman. Because you can’t do a French accent. Lewis: I can’t do Indian, either. Simon (Indian accent):''' Hello there please, what is your problem? '''Lewis: Right, so our LHC has crashed. Lewis (French accent):' Uh, ze LHC? Oui. Se, se cassé. We’re going to ring ze tech suppot. ''Phone beep sounds Simon laughs '''Simon (laughing):' If that is Sips... I’m gonna fucking kill you! ''Lewis laughs '''Lewis: Sips! Oh my God, that would be hilarious. Um... Simon: Don't. Don't. Don't even fucking think about it, okay? Don't – just... okay. Lewis scoffs and laughs Lewis: Okay. We’re calling tech support. Ring ring ring, I’ll put some ring... sounds in. Simon (French accent):''' 'ello? You have... you have reached zee, uh, zee tech support. It’s very nice. 'ello?? '''Lewis: Who are you... supposed to be?! Where is this tech support based? Simon (French accent):' I am, uh, Mr. Patel. ''Lewis bursts out into laughter '''Simon (French accent):''' You have reached us, zee tech support. '''Lewis: You sound like you’re in France. Simon (French accent):''' Uh, no, no, I am in Delhi, it’s, uhh, it’s very warm here. '''Lewis: Uhh, have I called the wrong number? Have I called like, um, the local French pizza shop or something? Simon: French pizza. Lewis: That would have been one hell of a misdial, wouldn’t it? Simon: French pizza. Lewis: What do they sell in France? Simon: They don’t have pizza in France! Lewis: Alright, the baguette shop! Simon: The baguette... starts laughing Lewis: The baguette shop. Simon: So yeah, you just call and, um, you can have like a takeaway baguette. Lewis: Yeah. Like, made to order. Like any shape you want. Simon: I’d like four baguettes please, uh, white ones. The long... the long thin ones please. Thanks. Lewis: Lomadia said she’d like a little nob. Simon: 'scuse me? D'you know what I would like, Lomadia? Hannah: Fuck off. Simon: I’d like a couple of flowery baps. Lewis laughs Simon: Have you got any hot buns for me? Hannah: No. Sorry. Liner: '''Simon' (alien/robot voice):' You're listening to the YoGPoD. Nehhhh. '''Pierson: Our friendship cannot be measured in rating. Lewis: No. Ummm... Simon: Lewis... Lewis: Yeah...? Simon: If our friendship had a rating, it would be over 9000. Lewis laughs Hannah: Is that in Yogstars? Lewis: That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me. Liner: '''Simon:' How do I do it in a Murloc... How do I do a Murloc speaking? They don't speak, they just go garbaaglbraglarg.'' Simon: I’m escorting this weird level 1 Gnome from Ironforge to Stormwind so that he can sell cats to people... the fuck? We just rode on the bike to the tram station. Took the tram together. And now he’s going back on the bike to the trade district in Stormwind. Saying, “My wife is sick, you buy cat.” I don’t even know if this guy has any cats. “Hello mister, you buy cat.” Lewis: Is this person talking to you in Ironforge?! Simon laughs Simon: Well, he was in Ironforge, but I took him to Stormwind and now he’s bothering people there. Lewis: Why did you take him to St... Stormwind- How did you do that? Simon: Yeah. Lewis: Have you invited him to your group? Simon: Yeah. Lewis: So you’re basically joining in with his, like... cat selling. Simon: His madness, yeah. Lewis scoffs Lewis: He’s a mad cat- what is he, is he a Dwarf? Simon: He’s a Gnome. “Hello mister, you buy cat? One cat, 50 MSK. Two cat, 75 MSK. God quality. My wife is sick.” Lewis: My wife is sick?? Simon laughs Simon: Yeah! Lewis: Why is his wife sick? Ask him... oh my God. What's MSK? Simon: She’s probably allergic to cats! Lewis scoffs and laughs Simon laughs Simon: “Please mister, I need to get rid of the cats. My wife is sick.” Oop, we’re going to Goldshire. Lewis: My wife is sick. Simon: My wife are sick. Lewis: Have you bought one? Simon: “By the way. Does beautiful spells right? Beautiful lady, you buy cat.” Simon chuckles Simon: He’s still saying to me, “Please, my wife is sick, you buy cat?” I just bought him an eight slot bag and gave him a dozen cats. Simon laughs Simon: And he’s... he's asking me if I want to buy a cat. “Both kittens and fully grown. Please buy cat.” Because I asked him earlier, are they kittens or are they fully grown? I just bought him three more bags. Oh God. Stephanie. Who’s Stephanie? Is that Colliwere? needed, i'm not sure if that's accurate Hannah: Yes. Simon: Stephanie: “Oh, I like kittens. How soft are the bones? My teeth aren’t very strong.” Lewis scoffs Simon: He just ran off saying, “Cat no for sale”. Lewis chuckles Liner: ''Simon (old woman voice):' You're listening to YoGPoD! ''Simon''' (normal voice):' That is terrible, terrible. I'm just gonna end up saying this after every one that I do. I'm just gonna be going "that's terrible". '''Lewis: The air raid crush can be described as a shoulder back-to-belly pile driver. Simon: You’re still reading about wrestling moves on Wikipedia. Lewis: There’s a million fucking wrestling moves! My God! Simon: Are you interested in the sport of wrestling? It’s ancient, it’s one of the oldest sports. From the times of the Greeks oiling each other up and accidently buggering each other. Lewis: Deliberately, I think, the Greeks. Simon: They did do it naked, again, didn’t they. They – what is it about wrestling and... jeez. And uh, women... in mud or, or jelly or jell-o if you’re American. Lewis: Or baked beans. Simon: In an inflatable pool. Lewis: I have never really found any of that particularly... arousing. Have you? Simon: No... Lewis: Like mud wrestling and stuff. Simon laughs Simon: Mmmmm. Lewis scoffs Lewis: No. Lewis laughs Lewis: Oh God! Simon: There’s um... there's something they have in Japan, I forget what it’s called. It might just be called lotion or something. They have this really thick stuff, it basically looks like spunk, right? It’s like a really thick slime pretty much. Like um, you remember Noel’s House Party and those Saturday morning TV shows where they’d like, gunge someone. It’s like that, but porn. They gunge people. So they cover people with like this weird gunge – I don’t know what’s in it, it must be like, corn starch in like a... you know... in a weird mix. It’s very odd. Lewis yawns Simon: And they just throw it over each other. And... I don’t know if they wrestle, actually. Maybe I should... maybe I should do some research on this. Lewis: Don’t. I think there’s, um, I think it’s some sort of strange human condition that they like to be covered in weird stuff like foam parties and things. You ever been to a foam... like, party at a nightclub? Simon: A what? Lewis: A foam party. Simon: Oh a foam – yeah. Ohhh. Yeah, but I mean, that’s not messy at all though, is it? It’s just, it all just comes off anyway. It doesn’t like stain or stick to you. Lewis: Yeah, you just sort of... leave it sort of dripping wet. Probably wouldn’t be so good to go to in this weather, I mean, bearing in mind that as soon as you stepped outside you’d probably like, freeze solid. Simon: Lomadia sent you something apparently. And I don’t get it. Lewis: Do you not know what the, um, Pokémon is? Simon: No. Is it Squirtle? Lewis: No, it’s Bulbasaur. Simon: Bulbous-saur. Lewis: Bulbasaur. Simon: Bulb. Lewis: It’s got like a bulb on it, it’s like a dinosaur with a bulb on it. Simon: Ohhh, it’s gonna leave your bulb a sore. Oh Jesus. Terrible joke. Lewis scoffs and laughs Lewis: You obviously, you weren’t around when we were talking about the Pokémon thread in GBS. Which is absolutely, I didn’t understand at all. And Lomadia identified every single Pokémon in the thread, like, instantly. Simon: Aww, that’s sad. Very sad. Lewis: Well, it’s cuz she was the right age. Simon (singing):''' Pokémon! Gotta catch them all! '''Lewis: Uhhhh... right. Simon: We could be like the Team Rocket of YOGS, you and I. I don’t know, I don’t know who’s in – what are they called, Team Rocket? Lewis: Isn’t there one, like, one woman with purple hair. Simon: Bill and Jill or something. Lewis: Bill-I-am. Simon: They’ve got really long hair, haven’t they. Jesse and James. Simon (Meowth impression):''' Meowth, Meowth! '''Simon: I can’t quite remember how he talks. Lewis: Thank God. Simon: It’s been a very long time. Simon (Meowth impression):''' Meowth! '''Lewis: The fact that you watched any Pokémon at all is quite worrying, since when it was released you were probably about 25. Simon: I think it’s older than you think. Lewis: Maybe. Simon: “Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light. Surrender now or prepare to fight!" Simon (Meowth impression):' Meowth, that’s right! ''Lewis scoffs '''Lewis: Oh God! Simon: That’s apparently what they say. Simon (Meowth impression):''' Meowth, that’s right! '''Lewis: Hang on, no. Does he always, oh that’s right, they always say their name, don't they? Whenever Pokémon talk they always say their name when they say something. Simon (Pikachu impression):' Pika! Pikachuuu! ''Lewis laughs '''Lewis: Oh God! Simon: What does that really stupid duck say? What’s he called, Psyduck? Does he actually say, Psyduck? Simon (Psyduck impression):''' PSYYYYYY DUCK! '''Lewis: Yeah, probably. Simon (Psyduck impression):''' QUACK. '''Lewis: Just like that. Simon: I like how Lomadia is like, sending me these chat things telling me how Psyduck says Psyduck. Lewis: How does he say Psyduck? Simon: Apparently, he says, “Psy duck.” Lewis bursts out into laughter Lewis: Really? Simon: Thanks. Lewis: Thanks. Simon: That’s really helpful. pause Simon: It’s five o’clock! Lewis: If you say, it’s five o’clock like that, I can edit it out very easily. You have to say it’s five o’clock in the middle of a sentence in order for me not to be able to edit it out. Simon: It’s five o’clock in the middle of a sentence! Lewis: No, but you have to say it in the middle of a topical sentence. Simon: So, uh. How about that Gordon Brown, eh, chya. What a complete it’s five o’clock idiot he is, eh, chya. Lewis: What’s wrong with Gordon Brown? I thought we were praising him for only having one eye yet still being able to like, lead the country. Simon: So, I don’t think you can really... a... is... I mean... wa... i... that’s not really how you should judge how successful a prime minister is, by, you know, how few eyes he has that work. So I mean, if we had- Lewis: But it's an indication- Simon: God help us all, if David Blunkett became prime minister, that wouldn’t automatically qualify him as the greatest prime minister of all time. Lewis: No. Simon: Although actually, he does have a dog. So the dog has two working eyes. So, if he was made prime minister, the prime minister of the country would be him and his dog. I forget what his dog’s called, actually. I think it may have died. Lewis: Excellent. Uhhhhhm... Simon: Sadie. He had a dog called Sadie. So Sadie was the one who died. In one memorable incident, Lucy, a black laborador, vomited during a speech by opposition member, David Willets. Simon makes a short vomit sound Lewis: ...my God. Simon: Apparently one time, a new guide dog that he got accidently took him to the Conservative Party front bench instead of the Labour one. Lewis laughs Lewis: Oh, the comedy of the House of Commons. Simon: He must know, though. You know, it’s veering off to the right instead of the left and he doesn’t question this. Simon (Blunkett impression):''' I’m fairly certain the... the front bench is over on the left! Where’s my, where’s my dog taking me? Oh, what’s going... Oh, oh oh dear. Oh, what a confusion. '''Lewis (Blunkett impression):''' Oh hello, Mr. Major. '''Simon (Major impression):''' Hello. '''Lewis: Is that John Major? Simon: John Majors, yeah. Lewis: That was a very good impression. Simon: Thank-thank you. Lewis bursts out into laughter Simon: I can do an impression of anyone saying hello badly. Lewis: Can you? Can you do Tom Cruise? Simon: Tom Cruise... I don’t know how Tom... how does Tom Cruise even talk? Lewis: You said you could do anyone! Simon (Tom Cruise impression):''' Hello... BWAHAHAHAHA, AHAHAHAHAHA! '''Simon: That’s him going mad and laughing. Lewis (laughing):''' Is that Tom Cruise? Oh God. Do Mr. Blobby. '''Simon (Mr. Blobby impression):''' BLIBBY BLOBBY BLIBBY! '''Lewis (laughing):''' Beautiful... '''Simon: That’s – that’s how he says hello. Lewis: That was beautiful. Do Nathan Explosion from, um... Simon: Wha? Lewis: ...that... show. Simon (Nathan Explosion impression, completely off):' ''helloh? '''Simon: Who's Nathan Expl- Lewis: Nathan Explosion... does not talk like that. Simon: Who the f- Who’s Nathan Explosion? What kind of a name is that? Lewis: From Metalocalypse, have you ever watched that? Simon: Metal-oco-opolypse. Lewis: Yeah. Simon: From, um, the, um... the comedy thing. I forget what it’s called. What the fuck is it called? Robot Chicken, and... Lewis: swim. Simon: swim, yeah. Jesus. Is it like a typical death metal voice? Lewis (Nathan Explosion impression):''' NATHAN EXPLOSION. '''Lewis: Yeah, it’s like that. Simon (Nathan Explosion impression):''' HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO. '''Lewis: Uh, does anyone else have any requests for Honeydew? Lomadia wants Yoda. This is like request hour, Yogscast Request Hour. Simon (Yoda impression):''' Mmm, say hello I will. Nyeheheheh! '''Lewis: Lovely. Umm, Mr. Bean? Simon (Mr. Bean impression):''' hello... yah, hawahah, hello! yahawah. '''Lewis: Sesame Street vampire. Man, The Count. Simon (The Count impression):''' Hello! Ah-ah-ah. '''Simon: I can’t, I d... I... it’s so long since I’ve seen it, I have no idea. Lewis: That was really good. Lewis (The Count impression):''' One, ah-ah-ah... '''Simon: He’s called The Count, and he counts. I mean, how genius is that? Lewis: I mean, that was one of their best ideas ever, wasn’t it? Simon: A count, and he counts! I mean, what other titles could you have. Could you have a knight who... who is black, like the night? Oh, actually that’s a bit dodgy. Uhh. Lewis: Lomadia asks if you’ve seen the Patrick Stewart B Episode. Simon: I’m not sure I want to... Lewis: Can you do Patrick Stewart? Simon (Patrick Stewart impreession):''' Engage! There are four lights! '''Lewis: Four lights? Mulchie: How can you not get that reference. It’s from an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Lewis: What’s it from, sorry? Simon: It’s from Star Trek. The Next Generation. Starring Patrick Stewart. Hence Patrick Stewart impression of him saying- Lewis: It’s seven minutes past 5. Simon laughs Lewis: See, that’s when you should do it. That’s when you should do it. (outro music) Credits Transcribed by xLightyear of /r/Yogscast, 2013 Edited and wikified by SnowyNix of the Yogscast (YoGPoD) Wiki , 2014 ---- Category:EpisodesCategory:Simon LaneCategory:Lewis Brindley